Coming undone

 My mind has had enough.

 
"Keep holding on
When my brain's ticking like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts
Have come again to get me."
It hurts,my head hurts so bad.The fury is chaining me in reality,I can't escape inside my mind to heal my wounds and it pisses me off even more.Black ropes are encircling my hands and feet,can't move,can't hear,can't see.Cry.
"Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along, mockingbird
You don't affect me."
I was expecting this to happen,but it still hurts.Your words left a deep gush inside my mind.Haha,so I was the black sheep,the sacrificed lamb,you had to eliminate one so I was the best choice.It's okay,really,it is.I already knew life hates me,you don't have to point it out so vehemently.It's just that now I hate you,I really do.Scream.
"That's right
Deliver it to my heart
Please strike
Be deliberate ."
Please strike,that's why you are here,right?What do you know about me,huh?Don't compare me with the others,I know I'm better.My dignity,voice and mind is all I have so I'll hold tight on them.Say the words,I know you want to crush me.But I won't let you affect me.Growing pain.
"Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate."
I can't breath,this tears are choking me out.My heart trembles with rage,my nails dug deep in my palms,blood is trailing.I may look strong,but I'm more fragile than you think.Your eyes tell everything,you don't like me.It's okay,I don't care.What hurts is the fact that I'm the only one who pays the price for her mistakes.No air.
"Choke, choke again
I thought my demons were my friends
Getting me in the end
They're out to get me."
Gasping for air,I remember all the times life slapped me in the face.It's like it's trying to tell me that I'm not allowed to be on the stage.It doesn't let me sing,it doesn't let me live.I befriended my demons long ago,but it looks like they abandoned me when I needed them most.Choke.
"Since I was young
I tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet sugar gun
Doe's not protect me."
I know what it's despair,been there,done that.Sorrow is always by my side,waiting for the perfect moment to strike me again.You gave it an opportunity,but I won't let it get me...too much.I try again to get inside my mind but,again,I get no response.My head hurts even more now,the chains are getting heavier.Why do I even bother trying to live how I want?It's obvious that I'm not allowed.Blank.
"I'm trying to hold it together
Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like I'm not getting better
Not getting better."
Ah,the pain is not getting any better,it strikes me on and on.I can't feel my mind anymore,it's like it left me alone.But I don't want it to leave.I don't want to be alone.You judged me,you missunderstood me,you hurt me.But it's okay,I'm getting used to that.The black lamb has been sacrificed.

Innocent love

 Will you let me love you?

"There is something I need to tell you, and though I look for the words
I cannot find them." 
 With a trembling hand I pick the colors and gently lay them on the canvas.Blue tears pouring out from red eyes,black lips trying to whisper words that cannot be found,paper white skin cracking under the pressure of the emotions building up inside.
"These words have no heart behind them, just a closed mind."
 Do I have a fake heart?Only showing its presence when around you. Or maybe it's me who restrains it.I uncounsciously will my mind and soul to be cold,always stay strong and hide from the real world.I know that I will never change my ways,I'm too afraid of what will happen then.I prefer to be considered a coward than to be vulnerable,weak.
"I don't need love like in dramas and such.
Just to be by your side
That alone is enough for me."
 I always ran away from love,I found it useless.Silly me,I wasn't aware that love was always by my side,stuck inside my heart.Be it love for an animal,a flower,my books,a song or a friend,it was there,impregnated in my being.Innocent love,that is what I call it now.You,my dear friend,make my heart tremble;I don't want your love,that will be troublesome,all I want is to be by your side,to care for you,to love you.I still don't know what hides behind your eyes,you may not consider me a friend,but it doesn't matter.I innocently love you.
"Someone's wishes,
Lack of words,
And feelings
Are gently engulfing this world."
 Aah,the canvas is filling up with colors,so many that you can barely distinguish anything anymore.Black memories heading from the corners towards the pain(t)ed soul that lies in the center,surrounded by the warm  shades of twillight and the cold tones of dawn.Chained by loneliness,your love is all that can keep the black away from this fragile prisoner.
"Even though the things to say
Are overflowing
I still can't do it.
Just look at me..."
 My world seeks escape in yours.Both may be crumbling,but I'll keep hoping their pieces fit together.

In singuratate

Alone...Is anybody out there?

 Singuratatea mi-a fost alaturi in cele mai grele momente si imi va fi si acum.Ori de cate ori am nevoie sa-mi fie cineva alaturi descopar ca nu am pe nimeni,ca atentia pe care le-o acord prietenilor si grija pentru ei e onesided.Cand am nevoie sa ma sustina cineva,toata lumea are treaba,e ocupata.Stiam ca asa se va intampla,dar am continuat sa sper ca de data asta e diferit.Dar nu a fost.
 Azi vreau sa particip la un concurs muzical si sunt preselectiile.Speram sa am un prieten alaturi ca sa-mi ridice moralul but no such luck.Asa ca,din nou,ma bazez numai pe mine si imbratisez singuratatea in timp ce incerc sa nu ma fac de ras.Inca o data,viata imi arata ca destinul meu e sa fiu vesnic singura.M-am impacat de mult cu gandul asta,nu ma mai doare (prea tare),aproape ca nici nu imi mai pasa.Cred ca ar trebui sa incetez sa mai sper ca voi gasi si eu pe cineva care sa-mi fie cel mai bun prieten,caruia sa-i ofer toata dragostea mea (aici vorbesc de dragoste prieteneasca,nu de relatii amoroase stupide).
 Imi inghit lacrimile de dezamagire si imi conving inima sa se calmeze.Cred ca faptul ca prima melodie pe care am cantato cu adevarat la orele de canto se numeste "In singuratate" e un semn.
 Aaah,stiu ca mai tarziu voi regreta postul asta deprimant dar,pana la urma,asta e blogul meu,aici imi scriu gandurile deci am sa postez tot ce simt,indiferent de cat de lamentabil ar suna unele fraze.Hehe,deja ma simt mai bine:)

I never show sympathy

  I'm not giving you sympathy,silly.I care for no one and everyone,get it?

 Ah,who cares anymore?I'm just trying to be your friend but if you're putting me in the same zone with the others without even blinking then what's one to do?
 Let me tell you this.I never lie.I always forewarn people that I am mad and to not expect normal behaviour from me.So when I show concern,don't,and I say DON'T, mistake it for sympathy.I pity no one and care for everyone,at the same time.Ah,what has happened to you stranger,that you are so weary of unknown people showing feelings?
  I am strange,I already know this.What I'm trying to do is befriend you,in my own way,so sorry for being awkward.Is it that bad that I find you interesting?
  You know,stranger,because of you I'm in this strange phase,when I think I'm lost,dark,beyond redemption and shit and search for the one to save me.But it's just pretending.Correction,it's the music's influences;music makes me feel things,because usually I don't.All I do is float in a see of nothingness,not caring at all,almost finding it strange that I can be so different.Almost.
  But.When I find someone interesting,I "come alive".Yep,that's it.I start feeling again,and it's mostly enthusiasm which results in a bundle of other emotions.It's not like I'm insensitive or anything along those lines.This mood of mine makes its way out only when I'm around people.Trust me when I say that all I need is myself and I'll be happy.
  In short,if I'm showing concern towards you that doesn't mean I'm offering you sympathy.I'm not that much of an angel.
  This subject needs further exploration.Ah,this made me very angry.Good God,some people are so stubborn and oblivious.
 You need a firm fish slap in the face>:3

Dun dun

 Dun-dun-dun,sha-la-la-la-la,I don't know what the fuck I'm doing....Sooo,aveam chef sa postez ceva dar n-am inspiratie.Scoala a inceput,orarul ma omoara practic,profii sunt morocanosi si stresanti,noroc de sis a mea cu care ma prostesc tot timpul>:3 Because we're evil and awkward like that...Oh God,we really are disturbed.

Nonsense

Don't try to fix me,I'm not broken.

 Sometimes I wish I had someone like that,but then I remember myself that I don't need it.I'm better being a walking disaster and as long as I stay at a decent distance from the people I love,no one will get hurt.
 The madness inside my mind keeps me company and entertains me everyday.If you ask what's inside my mind I will tell you this:a tornado of thoughts,feelings and everything I see around me.They all mix together and create nonsense.My own nonsense which for me makes sense.Funny,isn't it?

The song doesn't actually have to do with the post.One particular verse made me put it here.

A thought

  “People like to say love is unconditional, but it's not, and even if it was unconditional, it's still never free. There's always an expectation attached. They always want something in return. Like they want you to be happy or whatever and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won't be happy unless you are ... I just don't want that responsibility.”

Monster without a name

 Tomo ni yukou   namae no nai kaibutsu

  The fairytale seems to have died moments ago,in our gardens of insanity,fading in the foggy night.
  Behind the black iron bars of my cell,my empty eyes search for something to release my soul,an evanescent feeling of relief before I fall.It's retribution,the ghosts of my crimes have come back to pick the price.There's nothing left of me,just this blank canvas waiting to be filled with colors other than black and red,like in the past.Monster without a name,soulless shell,infinite sky of lost madness,I wait in silence for the end.
  Don't avert your gaze,look at me.When the red moon comes out and the smoky fog fades away,am I that horrible to you?Be scared,it's better than to be engulfed by the radiating insanity.Monster without a name,destroy or be destroyed,none will survive as long as I'm still around.I make the black rain fall from this starless sky and lift up my wild and empty eyes.Shadows are crawling up my spine,the fears of the past all come back to me and the end is here.The wound that can't be wiped away and the nameless monster.

Aprinde Cerul

 
 In intunericul profund al noptii,cineva aprinse o lumina orbitoare si rece.Arunca pe catifeaua neagra de deasupra noastra cioburi stralucitoare si cusu cu vise un felinar argintiu si mare.Dedesubt,marea lua foc si deveni violet,reflexii ale stelelor lucind timid pe valurile aprinse.Doi ochi privesc bland spre nebunia de culori si cred ca stiu cine a manjit intunecimea noptii.Dar de ce oare zambetul ii este trist?

The Path

 The path to happiness is this way.

 Come,take my hand and let me lead you to happiness.See this path?It's paved with laughter and light.No more hurt for you,I don't like seeing you sad and lonely...It was a time when I embraced loneliness and free fell into the hands of oblivion.Because there wasn't anyone to shine a light for me,I followed what I thought was right and got nowhere.Slowly,the road ahead of me cleares and I want to be of help to someone.
 Your eyes,turning back, forth, and around,are searching for something to hold onto,filled with despair and false happiness.Hey,look here,can you see that fragile light trembling at the far end of the path?Let's make it shine brighter and brighter,together,connected by the warmth of our bounded hands.For that you only have to look into my eyes and let the feelings you see there lead the way.
 Deep,further,into the forest of contradictions,I lost myself.But somehow,I got a glimpse of your wandering soul between the heavy drops of the freezing rain and the scattered autumn flowers,searching for something and I knew what you needed.So,to save myself,I let the emotions flow into my cold heart and reached for you.The smile you gave me was enough to ignite my soul and make me want to save you back.Is it called love?Maybe.Or maybe it's just a strong sense of friendship.Either way,I'm willing to let it overwhelm me.
 I'm afraid that if I let go of your hand I'll lose you forever.Look into my eyes and stay with me.