Pray for the Dead

 

  We've fallen apart like roses in a decaying garden. Rage, sorrow, pain and hate. How much until I break apart? How much until I end it all? I want out, I want out, I want out, I want to fucking escape from this neverending nightmare. How much do I have to suffer until I'll finally be free? Let me die, I want to die.

  The need to escape is choking. My mind is collapsing, I feel it break into pieces with every breath I take.How much until the end? I grasp the smooth surface of the table so tight my knuckles turn white. Wave after wave of rage washes over my being, with maddening pauses of sorrowful agony in between. My stomach feels sick, my head is spinning from the lack of air; I hold my breath to keep my mind from falling apart. One hand rises to my neck and starts scratching slowly, nails digging deep, leaving red markings and splitting the skin open eventually. Blood starts surfacing, yet I feel no pain. My mind is too focused on the rage. I've had enough since long ago; perhaps only oblivion made me hold on for so long. This sweet, unnecessary curse of keeping my mind locked into limbo has helped somehow, but the truth is that it only made matters worse. To add fuel to the fire, the problem of my inexistent identity crushes my skull with the fierce power of helplessness and I fall to my knees, tears stinging my eyes. I stare off into the darkness filling up the space under the table; the dimly-lit room no longer soothes me, the shadows actually feel like predators carefully eyeing their prey. I struggle to my feet and reach for my cup of coffee. For the next half an hour I gulp down ten cups of strong, bitter coffee in a fit of madness, thinking the foul taste could extinguish the fire scorching my mind. It usually worked, but today proved to be exceptionally shitty. I sink into a chair and start rocking back and fort, a stupid smile spread across my lips, tears falling and eyes unfocused. I want to fucking disappear from this world, to lose myself into the abyss, that impossibly black space where nothing exists, not even me.Where I go just before oblivion claims my mind again and helps me go back to living. I notice that I ran out of coffee.
  With frenzied movements I search the bar and take out a couple of energy drinks. I know very well what the effect of mixing them with what's already in my blood would do to me. Yet, I drink them. I've wanted to be free for far too long, my patience and sanity had been murdered years ago. The only thing I can feel sadness about is this world inside of me that will go to waste and for that I will feel eternal regret but I fear I'm too far gone for anything to pull me back on the track.
  I can feel my chains breaking and falling to the ground as rust eats them away rapidly. I also feel the last threads of the veil holding my mind together disintegrate under the flames boiling my blood. My veins hurt and my heart thuds loudly as if wanting to break my ribs. My breath comes out in sharp gasps and my eyes blur, a piercing noise fills my ears, blood is trickling from my nose. For some time all I can do is stare at the ceiling through a reddish haze and kick my legs around while my hands are tightly grasping my upper arms. Suddenly, everything stills.